I should and I am supposed to be lucky to not to have experienced the worst summers in India.. but??? I miss being there.. I miss being in my home.. I miss being myself... :(
It is not a easy step towards a greater change in your life when you have done something you loved to do for so many years.. I really loved to work and when I think about how I decided to quit... it was an instant emotion of breaking the bridge in my relationship and nothing more than that... Work became secondary and now when the bridge is broken for about a month, every minute I spend my time in front of the TV and thinking about topics to write a blog makes me a weaker person. The thought that will ever run in my mind is that I am doing nothing useful.
I do not blame anyone for my being so low and depressed but the attitude of Independence I have enjoyed so long in my life gives me a creep I have never experienced ever. Money is one factor, and there is this control over things I have started losing that makes me very sad.
I am trying to cheat my own loneliness and could never succeed. The dark rooms and silence brings a shiver that I cannot explain. Friends laugh at me but I look down at the walls. I am unable to make friends... Talking over phone to someone gives me a different sensation... I am getting more insecure.. What have I become?
And to add to this.. my first birthday spent in the lonely silence of my living room echoes YOU ARE GETTING OLD and it scares me a lot. This is the first time ever in my life that I have had a worst birthday experience and it was odd that I lay awake the whole night thinking what am I going to do because I am getting so old.
I am getting incapable and I am losing my confidence. Friends back home think life is at ease here but I always remember "The Grass is always greener on the other side". And to me it is more colorful now from this side of me standing in a garden of dried leaves and drought land and the winds whispering "You need help".
"The Grass is always greener on the other side". Tell me about it :( .. The grass will stop being greener on the other side when one knows and finds what they want. As long as that doesn't happen, the grass will always be greener on the other side
ReplyDeleteSister.... For one sec, I just tried to be in your shoes... The world is so different and as you said it is so scary. I felt this when I came to first time, you could imagine.. that time... no wife, no family, no friends, no body to ask do you want to eat, drink.... at last it just ME and MY LORD. From that/those day, My life took U turn. Just think of "What could you be purpose of your life", this will make you busy and which will show 'REAL WORLD"... you do maintain your smile in your face... I do appreciate that sister.... May almighty bring peace on all of us... Ameen!!!
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